the future

the future ~ my future

It's 2am on a cold Tuesday night during my summer holiday, what am i doing? Going to a party? Staying at a friends? Getting a good nights sleep?
no.

I'm in a cold sweat, panicking about something i cannot change at this moment in time, my future.

Since midnight (when i went to sleep) the only thing on my mind has been this collision of uncertain and scary thoughts plaguing my head and not lifting to leave me in peace.

I had the vision where i was a successful a-level student, thus going to Ox Bridge and gaining a first, and being a top/high flying/very successful woman about town. I had the idea that i was going to drop out of sixth form and become a model, to have a good break and also be an actress, becoming globally known. Finally i had the one where i just traveled the world, spreading peace and love, teaching yoga to all and raising money for various charities along my journey- i think i enjoyed this one the most.

Although  i enjoyed each little story in their own way, they scared me to death, leaving me fearing the next day, the next stepping stone in my life. I'm now worried that i won't end up in any scenario i ever dreamed of, resulting in me living a life i don't want to live. I'm now worried that i'll end up unhappy and alone, in a high flying job, but with no one with me to share the joys of life. I'm now worried that i'll never see any scenario at all, and that i am in fact wasting my life, wasting my existence, and that those many hours spent watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S, The big bang theory and Broad City, were wasted hours. And that i'll end up being twenty regretting every single choice i ever made in my teens.

In all, I am worried about the unknown.

I have always been a systematic person, i like to know what i'm doing, who with, at what time and what it will entail. I don't like it when a friend says 'just come over, chill, and we'll find a party to go to and crash at mine in the morning'. I get huge anxiety over those sorts of comments, 'what do you mean you don't have a plan?'.
This way of thinking enabled me to do well in secondary school, GCSE revision was a breeze- I had planned it all out, it means i am never, ever, late, and i always have a plan b.

This way of thinking has lead me to becoming extremely worried about the 'what if's' in life. 'What if i don't get that A', 'what if we can't crash at that house overnight?'. This resulted in an extremely anxious borderline paranoid young girl, not enjoying her present situation because her mind was too focused on the future.

I think this is the reason the future scares me so much, it's totally unknown, no matter what i plan for myself, something could come into my path, or find its way out of it, leaving me stranded, alone on my little island of no change.

I have absolutely no control to plan out my life, but I've decided that instead of waking up like this scared witless over that fact, i'm going to embrace it.

It's hard, it's challenging my whole way of thinking, but i'm enjoying it. i'm no longer going to be sat on the bus on the way to somewhere worried over what i'm doing for the whole day and scheduling it, i'm daydreaming of where it could take me and the positives of that.

I urge you to do the same, if your scared of something, face it. Whether it be spiders, clowns or commitment, i want you to face that fear, the same way i'm facing mine. Let's go on this journey together, let us see a person we never knew we could be, and let's hope that we can look back and laugh- because that's the best thing to look back upon.